The Third Side - What In The World Was I Thinking?

by: Alan Smith

Most conflicts feel like a tug-of-war. One person pulls, the other pulls back, and everyone around them feels pressured to choose a team. That pressure is real in families, churches, friendships, and even comment sections.

But there’s another option, one that doesn’t deny truth or ignore harm. It’s the third side, the place where a believer steps back from the fight for control and steps under God’s rule. In plain words, Third side is God’s side. It’s the commitment to respond the way Jesus teaches, even when emotions run hot and people demand quick loyalty.

This post explains what “the third side” means for Christians, why it matters, and how to practice it without becoming passive or fake-peaceful.

What “the third side” means for Christians

Moving past “my side” and “your side”

When two people clash, the story usually gets framed in pairs: right or wrong, victim or villain, wise or foolish. Those categories can feel satisfying because they simplify things. They also shrink our view.

The third side is a different stance. It’s not “neutral” in the sense of not caring. It’s not silence, and it’s not pretending sin is no big deal. The third side is choosing to stand where God stands, to care about what God cares about, and to aim for what God commands.

That starts by admitting a hard truth: most conflicts are not just about facts. They are also about fear, pride, history, pain, and the need to be seen. If you rush to pick a side, you often pick up someone else’s anger and carry it like it’s your own.

A helpful picture is a courtroom versus a hospital. Many people enter conflict like a lawyer, trying to win a case. The third side walks in more like a wise doctor who still names what’s broken, but wants healing more than applause. God’s heart is not impressed by who can argue best. God looks for truth joined with love, repentance joined with mercy, and justice that doesn’t turn into revenge.

Choosing the third side means you refuse to be recruited into someone else’s war. You belong to Christ, so you don’t belong to the pressure campaign.

“Third side is God’s side” and what that really asks of you

Saying “Third side is God’s side” can sound simple until you try it. God’s side often costs you something.

It costs pride, because you may need to admit you misunderstood someone. It costs the comfort of quick alliances, because you might disappoint people who want you to echo their outrage. It can cost status, because peacemakers aren’t always celebrated in tense communities.

God’s side also asks you to hold two things at once: conviction and compassion. Many people only do one. They either protect the truth but crush people, or they protect people but water down the truth.

Jesus doesn’t do that split. He is “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14). That doesn’t mean He softens reality. It means He brings reality with the aim of redemption. If you’re living on the third side, your goal is not to prove you’re right. Your goal is to honor God, seek what’s true, and pursue peace as far as it depends on you.

A simple personal test helps: When you speak into conflict, are you trying to build a person, or are you trying to win a moment?

Seeing conflict through God’s eyes

What Scripture shows about taking sides

The Bible doesn’t teach believers to be conflict-avoidant. It teaches believers to be God-centered. That difference matters.

Proverbs warns about hearing one story and assuming you understand the whole matter (Proverbs 18:17). James warns about quick speech and slow listening (James 1:19). Jesus warns about judging in a way that ignores your own sin (Matthew 7:1-5). Those passages don’t eliminate accountability. They confront the habits that make conflict worse.

God’s side is also shaped by the fact that every person involved bears God’s image. That doesn’t excuse sin, but it changes how you speak. You can’t treat a person like a monster when God calls them a neighbor.

Scripture also makes room for wise boundaries. Peace is not the same as closeness. Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” That verse assumes peace is not always possible, especially when someone refuses repentance, continues harm, or manipulates others. God’s side does not require you to enable a pattern that destroys people.

So God’s view is wider than the fight. He sees motives, words, and wounds, and He cares about what conflict is doing to hearts. He cares about the truth, and He cares about the way truth is carried.

Holding humility, truth, and mercy together

Most relationship damage comes from imbalance.

Some people swing a hammer of “truth” to punish. Others hand out “mercy” that never leads to change. God’s side holds humility, truth, and mercy together, and that combination is rare.

Humility says, “I might be missing something.” Truth says, “Some things are wrong, even if everyone claps for them.” Mercy says, “Even when you’re wrong, I won’t treat you as disposable.”

In practice, this means you learn to ask better questions and make fewer accusations. It means you distinguish between what you know and what you assume. It means you slow down before you label someone’s intent. Many conflicts stay hot because people argue about motives they can’t prove.

God’s side also means remembering the cross. The cross is where God deals with sin without pretending it isn’t deadly. It’s also where God offers forgiveness without calling evil good. When Christians forget the cross, they either become harsh or vague. When Christians remember the cross, they can confront sin with tears, not with glee.

A church that lives on the third side becomes a safer place to tell the truth, because mercy is real and accountability is clear.

How to stand on God’s side without avoiding hard issues

Listening that honors people

Listening is not agreement. Listening is love.

When someone feels threatened, they often speak in extremes. If you respond to the extremes, you miss the pain underneath. Third-side listening tries to hear both content and concern: what happened, and what it meant to the person.

This kind of listening takes restraint. You don’t interrupt to correct every detail. You don’t rush to “fix it” in the first minute. You don’t treat the person like a problem to solve. You treat them like a soul to shepherd.

A practical approach is to reflect back what you heard before you respond. “What I’m hearing is that you felt dismissed when that happened.” That doesn’t declare the other person guilty. It shows you’re present.

Listening also includes listening to God. Prayer before a hard conversation changes the tone. It reminds you that your words are spoken in God’s presence. It reminds you that the Holy Spirit can convict in ways you can’t force.

If you want to know whether you’re listening well, watch what happens in the other person. Do they soften because they feel understood, or do they escalate because they feel managed? You can’t control their reaction, but you can make sure your posture is honest.

Standing on God’s side starts with honoring the people God made, even when you strongly disagree with them.

Speaking truth without scoring points

Truth is not a weapon, and it’s not a performance. Truth is a gift that should fit the moment.

Third-side speech avoids two traps: cowardice and cruelty. Cowardice hides behind “I don’t want drama,” when the real issue is fear of man. Cruelty hides behind “I’m just being honest,” when the real issue is pride.

Speaking on God’s side means your words match God’s goals. You aim for repentance, repair, and wisdom. You don’t aim for humiliation.

One way to keep your words clean is to focus on observable actions and clear outcomes, not sweeping labels. “When you said that in the meeting, it shut the conversation down,” is different from, “You always control everything.” The first invites a real response. The second invites a fight.

It also helps to be direct about what you want. If you want an apology, say so. If you want a boundary, name it. If you want clarity, ask for it. Vague spiritual language can become a fog that hides hard truths. God’s side is not foggy.

There are times when you must confront serious sin or abuse. In those moments, God’s side includes protection, wise counsel, and proper reporting when needed. Peace never means hiding harm.

The third side is strong enough to tell the truth, and calm enough not to enjoy the impact.

Everyday ways to live as a third-side peacemaker

In marriage and family

Family conflict can feel nonstop because you can’t escape each other. That’s also why family conflict can become a place of real growth.

Living on the third side at home often starts small. You slow down your tone. You stop bringing up old failures as ammo. You choose the right time for hard topics, not the worst time. You admit sin quickly, without excuses.

It also means you stop treating winning as the goal. If you “win” an argument but crush trust, you lost something bigger.

A third-side habit that changes families is confession that is specific. Not, “I’m sorry if you felt hurt,” but, “I was wrong to speak to you that way, will you forgive me?” That kind of honesty builds safety.

For parents, God’s side means discipline with purpose. You correct to train, not to vent. You stay steady. You don’t make your kids carry your adult stress. In tense homes, children often become the “third side” by trying to keep peace. Adults should carry that weight, not kids.

Family peace grows when everyone knows God is not another “side” in the argument. God is the Lord over the home, and His ways shape how people speak, forgive, and rebuild.

In church disagreements and online debates

Church conflict can cut deep because it mixes relationships with convictions. People may argue about worship style, leadership decisions, doctrine, or personal offense. The third side doesn’t pretend those things are small. It refuses to let them become church-splitting idols.

On God’s side, you resist gossip. You go to the person, not around them. You check facts before you repeat a story. You honor leaders while still asking honest questions. You also honor members who feel unheard, instead of brushing them off as “problem people.”

Online, the pressure to pick a side is even stronger. The crowd rewards heat, not wisdom. God’s side looks strange on the internet because it doesn’t feed the fire. It refuses sarcasm as a spiritual gift. It doesn’t share half-stories to score points.

Sometimes the most faithful third-side choice is to stop posting and start praying. Sometimes it’s to have a private conversation instead of a public correction. Sometimes it’s to say, “I don’t know enough to speak on that.”

If your witness matters, your tone matters. People learn what you believe by how you treat those who disagree with you.

Conclusion

Conflict will keep trying to force you into “my side” or “your side,” but Christians don’t have to live there. Third side is God’s side, and that stance changes how you listen, how you speak, and what you aim for. God’s side holds truth and mercy together, without fear and without pride. Choose one relationship this week where you will seek peace on purpose, with honesty and humility.